Pulling and pushing
Tearing and digging
Is what I’m feeling paranoia or intuition?
Is my brain telling me something my heart doesn’t want to accept?
Or is my brain sabotaging my heart?
Do I ignore this
Shut the door on these anxieties
Or do I dive into this desolation
It’s horrible not knowing if I can even trust my own feelings.
I get so caught up in “Who am I” when people look at me
Am I kind or too harsh
Am I a bully or the protector
Big heart or narrow view
Helpful or harmful
Immature or mature
Stupid or smart
It took today to realize I am all of these things.
I am all of these things collectively, simultaneously.
People see me in their own view, dependent upon where they are and how each of us understood it. The old saying of perception is reality.
Yeah it too a long time to get to the me I am today.
I look back and identify the racism, the ignorance, immaturity…. and the growth.
I have grown up and away from the old me.
And I still have so much to do in the Garden of Me. I recognize growing pains for what they are when they make me uncomfortable. I recognize and cherish my roots, and I have to rip out the weeds at their roots. Things I use to think were true and I acknowledge the pain they’ve cause.
If you knew me in one of my many Faces that were immature or hurtful, I am so sorry. Please reach out to me so I can grow if you need to talk about it. I’m still learning and growing. “Gardening”.
I’m trying. And that’s what matters.
I am tired of watching my classmates be buried.
Their loved ones sobbing.
Same sorrow. Same grief.
This isn’t a part of growing up I wanted to experience.