It’s time for your medicine

It’s morning. Take your pills.

Go to work and give it your all. We mean your all as in the all we expect to work tried and true. The all we need to make the numbers work.

It’s evening. Take your pills.

It’s always time for your medicine.

What happens when you don’t take your medicine? Well your body is going to scream either way- it wasn’t made to rely on little white pills… Your mind though, your mind will deceive you.

Does it really deceive me? Well perception is reality. And right now I believe that I am failing.

I’m not failing, because I have the right medication.

I’m failing. I’m not failing. We are doomed. There is hope.

When things get really bad, I always forget that it’s time for my medicine

“The doctors give the pills but the pills don’t have the will to take the pain outta the brain, they just make the brain insane.”

I have a love hate relationship with my need for medication.

I hate that I need it. But I love myself for accepting that I need it.

It’s ok to not be ok. And it’s ok to be ok.

Why don’t we talk about these things as they come? Why do we have such high standards for ourselves? We give so much more grace to those around us!

We aren’t even friends to ourselves. Because if I was my friend, I’d tell myself to stop dicking around and take my damn medicine like I know I need to. I’d say Chelsee, you are having a panic attack, and that’s ok. But take this medicine to dampen it. You’ll be able to breathe. And I’d trust me and listen to me.

It’s ok to need something, and it’s ok that it takes a while to find the right concoction. But take care of yourself. And listen to the still, quiet voice within you that does not scream profanities.. it feeds you words of strength, healing, and grace.

Tell those bad thoughts to go straight back to hell from which they came.

And to my readers- thank you for sticking through the up and downs. And thank you for the words of positivity that is often the lighthouse in my stormy sea. Much love to you all. You are not alone.

Wrong Eyes

I took your eyes to see myself as you see.
I depended no longer on the uncertainty from those which I was born with.
I felt beautiful and loved.
But what am I supposed to see now that I know it was she you were looking at?

How could she become me?

Insert Smile Here


What am I supposed to say when I’m out of words? 

My thoughts turn into ash in my mouth by the burn of uncertainty and fear.
I’m all out of ideas and strength.

I don’t know what to do or where to go.

I hate this uncomfortable feeling crawling on my skin. I hate not knowing what my plan is. 

I don’t know what I want out of this life. Isn’t that ironic?  I am given so many opportunities and all I can do is go blank. 

I can write, I can data mine. I can study your brain, I can help you find solutions, and think out of the box. 

I can’t tell you with any certainty what I should do, though. 

My God, this is so frustrating and I feel so defeated! I always have a plan. And now I just feel lost. 

No I have no idea what’s wrong…except for me. I’ll insert a smile anyway and tell you I’m fine. 

No, you can’t fix it for me. Lord, I sure wish you could! I would let you!

I’m stretched so thin that I’m translucent. 

My candle is burning at both ends and in the middle. 

What do I do? Who do I become? Even things as simple as “What do I write next?” … I have all these ideas swirling in my mind, more faint than *options* , but I can’t catch a single one. They fly too quickly and have too much uncertainty with them. 

Is a safety net turning into a noose? 

Or am I about to ruin everything?

“You’re stressing me out”

I can’t even fathom how many times this has been said to me… When did society evolve into one where any emotion other than happy-go-lucky or lust were considered distasteful?

I’m sorry if my sadness stresses you out. I’m sorry if I’m killing your vibe…….. actually no, no I’m not. Go screw yourself. Why do you feel the need to force happiness in everyone all the time? Do I remind you of your repressed feelings? Does seeing me like this hit too close to home for you?

Depression as deep and vast as the seas storms. 

The moment I feel despair creeping up onto me like an unwanted, uninvited, house guest in my head I shut down. I go into task mode trying to ignore the whispers that turn into tortured screams in my head. 

Brush hair. Brush teeth. Take off clothes. Step into shower. Turn knob. Soap on sponge. Lather. Bubbles. Wash feet.  All the while dreading the despair crawling up my back and onto the nape of my neck. Feels like a guillotine. Hollow, abdicated from responsibilities that ensure survival. 

– You upset and stress every person you interact with. Everything you touch turns to shit. Look, now you’re failing at the things that only you could do well. You literally cannot do anything right. You’re failing. YOU ARE A FAILURE. You let down anyone who loves you. They deserve better. You can’t go a single day without doing something wrong. Why would anyone want to stay around you? Hell, even your own father left.  Your friends don’t even really like you. You are an irritant to them. You are a shitty friend, how can it even be possible to be this bad at being a friend? They will easily replace you if they haven’t already. They deserve better. You bring no value to anything or anyone. STOP TALKING YOU ONLY MAKE IT WORSE WHEN YOU TALK. You aren’t the only one who is going through stuff, stop victimizing yourself. Why do you even bother trying? You’ll fail. You’re weak. –

Wash face. Wash hair, paying close attention to each individual strand… pretend you don’t hear it, don’t feel it. Pretend you don’t feel like you suddenly have a black hole within you. 

It’ll pass. 

It’s not true. None of it is true. 

It’ll pass. 

It’ll pass. 

.
Are you stressed out now?