In the words of Queen Beyonce herself:
You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me
So tell me, how is that?
You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I love to not forgive
And though you break my heart
You’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you ’cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me and put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you, it pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day
I don’t wanna be without you, babe
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath without you, babe
I don’t want to play that part
I know that I love you, but let me just say
I don’t wanna love you in no kind of way, no, no
I don’t want a broken heart
And I don’t want to play the broken-hearted girl
No, no, no broken-hearted girl
I’m no broken-hearted girl
There’s something that I feel I need to say
But up till now I’ve always been afraid
That you would never come around
And still I wanna put this out
You say you got the most respect for me
But sometimes I feel your not deserving of me
And still you’re in my heart
But you’re the only one
And, yes, there are times when I hate you, but I don’t complain
‘Cause I’ve been afraid that you would walk away
But I’ll have to stop it there, because he did. He walked straight out of that proverbial door without a glance back to his daughters. And man let me tell you…. I wish this could have been like in the movies – young girl watches her daddy in the rain, pack his belongings into a yellow taxi.
We weren’t so lucky. No, I got to experience my entire relationship with you boiled down to two stages: Absent, or Present (for however many months, no consistency in communication) but semi around, destructive and me just trying to earn your love.
I remember these so clearly: Maybe he’ll stop drinking if he just loved me, or if I did ___. Maybe he won’t get so angry if I ___. Maybe he’ll stop throwing things around if I ___. Maybe, just maybe he’ll call this month. Maybe if I go play nice with his new family (multiply this by 4) I’ll get to spend time with my dad.
Maybe he won’t destroy this marriage. Maybe he won’t be destructive to himself and those who love him. Maybe he’ll really stay on his medicine this time and won’t drink (this last one, man that’s the one that got me this time).
Even now I can’t tell you why I seeked your attention and affection so vehemently. I can be thankful that this destructive and co dependent relationship has met its end. Doesn’t mean you didn’t leave me in pieces on the ground. But don’t you dare pretend you did this for my well-being. You aren’t that selfless. No, see, when you told me (via text message, mind you) that you no longer wanted anything to do with me on that horrible day (November 12, 2016 in case you forgot), you did it out of spite, to hurt me, and yeah, you succeeded. I was totally blindsided. Out of ALL the ways you’ve hurt me over my lifespan, I never predicted this one. Thought it was too low, even for you. And with 4 months before my wedding!
I wish I could say I stole your mothers jewels or something… at least then I would have understood.
No, I (and my sister) sat in the hospital worried about your mother, our me-me. Whilst planning a funeral for another grandparent.
You were nasty and yelled at us that night, I wrote it off as fear for your mother. You threatened us, holding your relationship with us over our heads if we didn’t show up to the hospital…. as if we wouldn’t have shown up… Of course we showed up, not because of your threats or yelling or pure uncontrolled anger, we showed up because that’s our grandmother and we love her. She’s family. And there is no breaking of that bond. We aren’t as heartless as you paint(ed) us to be. The fact you wouldn’t hug me, and anytime you looked at us… it was as if you hated us. I needed my father, I was scared too. But you shoved us away and treated us as if we had somehow been the reason she was in the hospital. You made me physically sick, I mean literally.
Two days later I receive a text from you.. and to cut it short I shared my perspective, that you hurt me. You shared your desire to have nothing to with me any longer. A TEXT message… that’s what your youngest child got. You didn’t even bother reaching out to your eldest daughter…
I hurt because I FOUGHT for so many years to keep some relationship with you, after all the drunk driving, the physical and mental abuse… and suddenly, just one day out of the blue, you throw me away like a cigarette butt. I tried for so many years to just make you love me. Choose me. BEGGED you to stop destroying yourself, your new lives, me… It never was enough… I guess it never would have been enough.
You and I both know that what you are doing to your wife isn’t right, it isn’t healthy… and I am terrified for her. I’m terrified that you could destroy a relationship between her and her daughter. She ignores how you act, how you treat her because she loves you… and you destroy her and her belongings in return (and lie about it). Well, daddio, what is done in the dark will be brought to the light. The Lord promises us that. I hope you do better, she deserves better.
I hate that we can’t have a healthy relationship and that I couldn’t make you love me. I hate that my babies will never meet my biological father, never see your good side (I mean, you really do have a GREAT good side). But I will NEVER let you hurt them the way you hurt my mother, my sister, myself…the list goes on. No, they will never feel that heartache that leaves craters in your soul.
That’s it… that is all I’ve got. No plot twist. No happy ending here. Just words that were threatening to choke the life out of me if I didn’t get them on paper and in the open. For everyone to see my deepest fear unfolded before my eyes and my chest ripped open…
I doubt you’ll ever read this letter…
I, nor my husband, will ever destroy our children the way you did yours.
With that said… I’ll heal.
You do not win. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Song during my writing:
Tin Man – Miranda Lambert.