Pills and Faith

“And the doctors give the pills but the pills don’t have the will to take pain out the brain, they just make the brain insane”

I’m on this journey of coming off antidepressants, anti anxiety, and “pay attention” pills. 

Look at that sentence. I was on a pill to function for every aspect. I became a machine. I was effective and I executed tasks. 

And I woke up one day and realized I had no idea how to be me. Whatever that meant. I had (have) no idea what motivates me to keep going, and I have no idea how to look what breaks me in the eyes. 

I talk to the Lord about it… it feels like I’m talking to him every second of the day about it. It’s messed me up pretty bad… but that’s ok. 

I’ve always told others it’s OK to not be ok. Don’t stay there. Stay the night if you gotta but don’t set up camp. 

But I never even looked at the fact that I’ve ignored mine. Lord tells us that he will wipe our tears away. He never said there wouldn’t be tears. 

Here I am waking up for the past three days crying. Don’t ask me why cause I don’t know. I don’t. I’ll laugh in between sobs because there’s no reason, no prompt. 

Who is this person? I don’t show emotion like this. I’m always strong. I never want to put my pain for others to bear. That’s my burden alone. 

And yet… I’m crying. I’m sobbing. My face is wet. The tears stream down my neck to my chest. 

Doesn’t make sense. 

And my husband that I know, I KNOW, God sent into my life. This beautiful man. If you never met him, I’ll tell you he isn’t an emotional one. He has a huge heart, but what is, just is. He doesn’t let it weigh him down. 

This beautiful man looks at me last night and tells me to just cry. It’s ok. Maybe my medicine wouldn’t let me cry over the months when I needed to. And maybe these are those tears coming out now. Perhaps with interest. 

I’ll tell you I cried even harder. Cried till a headache was more important than my heartache. 

God knows what’s in our hearts. And maybe he’s telling me to stop running and just be still. 

When you can’t find an answer to a problem, perhaps it’s not a problem to be solved, but rather a truth to be accepted. 

It ain’t about how hard you hit… it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. About how much you can take and keep moving forward. 

The Lord is my solace, my home, my safe place. Without him I am nothing. He has made the lame walk, the broken whole, and He alone is who I follow. 

I will not depend upon a capsule of concoctions to be my sanity. I know right now the Lord is telling me to be still, there’s something he needs me to see through these tears.