An Open Letter to My Younger Self

Maybe I’m all up in my feelings but I just want to say something for the younger girls out there struggling.

Struggling with identity, struggling with faith and strength, feeling defeated and used. Wanting (and maybe even planning) to give up.

I was you. I was you a million times over. And it’s hard. God I know it’s hard. This world will shatter you a thousand times before your feet even hit the floor in the morning. It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. It will wear you down and wear you out. It will break you. You will question who you are 1 trillion times before you hit 20 years old. You’ll look in the mirror and not recognize who is looking back at you.

All the while you are just putting one foot in front of the other.

Listen here beautiful- I’m so dang proud of you. I’m so proud of you! You woke up and fought the demons that wore you out the night before. You woke up and DECIDED to truck on when all you saw was bleak and grey. You decided to continue on when it would have been so much easier to just—stop being.

I’m so glad you are here on this earth today.

Because one day, if you keep fighting- and I do mean FIGHTING tooth and fucking nail fighting you will make it. You will wake up one day and you will have everything you prayed for. (Ok sure I’m not a millionaire but BOY AM I RICH!) I wake up to a man that loves me- and I mean the kind of love you gave up on when you were about 14-17 because yeah boys are stupid. This man is a God fearing man that would jump in front of a bullet to save my life- this I know without question. And I’d be pissed at him for doing it because that would mean he was quicker than me and I didn’t get to save HIM.

This man will choose you day after day and will love you when you can’t even love yourself. And will be your friend when you can’t even be friendly to yourself. Then this man will become a father and you will see that hope in his eye and you will share this unexplainable feeling of terror and excitement and love for the life growing within you (or someone else- adopting, surrogacy, whatever). Life will change and you will realize you made it.

And you realize this whole new chapter is coming and it’s going to push you further than you’ve ever been pushed and further than you can even grasp. And you will smile because you know that if you made it through the first part of your life (rather alone) you can absolutely break the barriers on this next chapter. Don’t you dare settle. Stop judging yourself for how you had to survive. You are so beautifully and uniquely made. You will make it gorgeous… you gotta know that.

Much love- Chelsee

It’s time for your medicine

It’s morning. Take your pills.

Go to work and give it your all. We mean your all as in the all we expect to work tried and true. The all we need to make the numbers work.

It’s evening. Take your pills.

It’s always time for your medicine.

What happens when you don’t take your medicine? Well your body is going to scream either way- it wasn’t made to rely on little white pills… Your mind though, your mind will deceive you.

Does it really deceive me? Well perception is reality. And right now I believe that I am failing.

I’m not failing, because I have the right medication.

I’m failing. I’m not failing. We are doomed. There is hope.

When things get really bad, I always forget that it’s time for my medicine

“The doctors give the pills but the pills don’t have the will to take the pain outta the brain, they just make the brain insane.”

I have a love hate relationship with my need for medication.

I hate that I need it. But I love myself for accepting that I need it.

It’s ok to not be ok. And it’s ok to be ok.

Why don’t we talk about these things as they come? Why do we have such high standards for ourselves? We give so much more grace to those around us!

We aren’t even friends to ourselves. Because if I was my friend, I’d tell myself to stop dicking around and take my damn medicine like I know I need to. I’d say Chelsee, you are having a panic attack, and that’s ok. But take this medicine to dampen it. You’ll be able to breathe. And I’d trust me and listen to me.

It’s ok to need something, and it’s ok that it takes a while to find the right concoction. But take care of yourself. And listen to the still, quiet voice within you that does not scream profanities.. it feeds you words of strength, healing, and grace.

Tell those bad thoughts to go straight back to hell from which they came.

And to my readers- thank you for sticking through the up and downs. And thank you for the words of positivity that is often the lighthouse in my stormy sea. Much love to you all. You are not alone.

Wrong Eyes

I took your eyes to see myself as you see.
I depended no longer on the uncertainty from those which I was born with.
I felt beautiful and loved.
But what am I supposed to see now that I know it was she you were looking at?

How could she become me?

On Feeling Lost

I have been so overwhelmed. This week alone has felt like it’s own month. I have been working so hard, but I don’t feel like I’ve achieved or accomplished anything. I feel like I’m wandering around.

I realize that I’ve reached goals, and now I’m out of important goals. Out of the things I can change. I hate feeling like my fate is in someone else’s hands.

I hate feeling so lost and confused. I hate this dark abyss. I feel like I’m just treading water. Pleading with myself. Don’t give up, you’ll drown! But you get tired trying to stay afloat, trying to not sink.

I’m bloody lost and tired.

Overflowing, overwhelmed

Weight on shoulders, depress, oppress, suppress

Anxiety in laughter, wrapped around my throat – it won today. It successfully overwhelmed its vessel.

My knees hit the ground like an ultimatum

Lists overwhelming my mind, my ability

Failures singing like the birds in the trees, never silenced

Fear like shackles on my wrists and ankles

Anxiety fogging my mind, overwhelming my senses.

The debris and destruction surrounding me. It is a fact, I’m on the ground.

The smoke rising like protestations

Muscles straining like it’s a physical fight, I stand

One foot in front of the other

Sun peaks through the dust and smoke, I depend on you

For now, I fear, I fail, I fall, and falter. But every fight has a victor and victim.

I never liked the taste of being a victim.

My knees may shake, but I will always get back up.

I have too much depending on me to give up.

“You’re stressing me out”

I can’t even fathom how many times this has been said to me… When did society evolve into one where any emotion other than happy-go-lucky or lust were considered distasteful?

I’m sorry if my sadness stresses you out. I’m sorry if I’m killing your vibe…….. actually no, no I’m not. Go screw yourself. Why do you feel the need to force happiness in everyone all the time? Do I remind you of your repressed feelings? Does seeing me like this hit too close to home for you?

Depression as deep and vast as the seas storms.

The moment I feel despair creeping up onto me like an unwanted, uninvited, house guest in my head I shut down. I go into task mode trying to ignore the whispers that turn into tortured screams in my head.

Brush hair. Brush teeth. Take off clothes. Step into shower. Turn knob. Soap on sponge. Lather. Bubbles. Wash feet. All the while dreading the despair crawling up my back and onto the nape of my neck. Feels like a guillotine. Hollow, abdicated from responsibilities that ensure survival.

– You upset and stress every person you interact with. Everything you touch turns to shit. Look, now you’re failing at the things that only you could do well. You literally cannot do anything right. You’re failing. YOU ARE A FAILURE. You let down anyone who loves you. They deserve better. You can’t go a single day without doing something wrong. Why would anyone want to stay around you? Hell, even your own father left. Your friends don’t even really like you. You are an irritant to them. You are a shitty friend, how can it even be possible to be this bad at being a friend? They will easily replace you if they haven’t already. They deserve better. You bring no value to anything or anyone. STOP TALKING YOU ONLY MAKE IT WORSE WHEN YOU TALK. You aren’t the only one who is going through stuff, stop victimizing yourself. Why do you even bother trying? You’ll fail. You’re weak. –

Wash face. Wash hair, paying close attention to each individual strand… pretend you don’t hear it, don’t feel it. Pretend you don’t feel like you suddenly have a black hole within you.

It’ll pass.

It’s not true. None of it is true.

It’ll pass.

.
Are you stressed out now?

Walls

Do you ever just
stare at the wall
almost like it has all the answers
but you have no expectations
It’s not really intriguing
But it brings you silence in your head
You think about camping when you were younger
throwing wet rocks into the lake
side stepping sharp rocks, like side stepping your jagged heart now
We use to stare at fires, now we just stare at walls.