Finding healthy middle ground as a working mom. Within a year. (A rant)

It’s a lot harder than I could have ever imagined.

I get angry thinking about having to go back to work 6-8 weeks after having a baby (8 weeks if you have a MAJOR surgery like a C-Section). 6 to 8 weeks to bond with my new child. 6-8 weeks to establish a breast feeding routine. 6-8 weeks to introduce everyone in my life to my baby. But not too close because GERMS! (Do we even want to bring up postpartum depression or anxiety? PPA almost killed me) 6-8 weeks to heal from the trauma my body endured during child birth, 6-8 weeks for painful, chapped nipples to heal. 6-8 weeks to jump back into the workforce like nothing happened. But something monumental happened.

I feel guilty when I have to take a PDO day when my child is sick and my work team has to carry my load.

I feel guilty when I go pump 2-3X a day to maintain my supply. It interferes with my workflow and rhythm, or I have too much I need to get done today.. So I drop down to 1-2X a day and watch my supply bottom out more times than not.

I feel guilty for PTO, parent teacher conferences, having to stop by the daycare every 4 hours to pump my baby full of Tylenol so that fever doesn’t breach 100°F and inevitably causes him to be sent home. If we get sent home, how in the world will I ever catch up?

I feel guilty that my quality standards at work have to be modified to fit this new life. I had to learn a whole new job a few months after I came back from leave. I want to do well, but I am not the person I was when I left. And this job includes over time and on call that my last job did not. Do you understand the fear of being on a call at 8 pm that requires interaction and total engagement when that is bed time and you are the boob??

I couldn’t take the medications I need to concentrate at work, my work quality was at an all time low… was I going to lose my job because I have to choose between breastfeeding and taking medication for my ADHD, anxiety, or depression?

I have to find a middle ground, but I can’t take choosing my job over my child.

Life would have been so different if America had followed Canada, Norway, Denmark, honestly the list goes on and on for these other countries who seem to actually accept and care for their mothers and children.

I want to be a badass employee. I want to make our company’s name shine and shimmer with greatness.

I want to be a badass mom who isn’t empty at the end of every day from stretching too thin.

I want to be mentally healthy and have time to see a therapist!!!!! But at this point in my life, I’m doing good to get in and see a dentist.

I want to have and interact in my friendships outside of the workplace. But I spend most of my time in the 4 walls of my cubicle. When I’m out, I have 2.5 hours after 5:30 pm to pick up from daycare, get home (30 min drive), dinner??, bath, bedtime, get bottles ready for tomorrow, maybe sneak in a kiss to my husband.

The guilt I feel about being a bad wife and a bad friend… those have been getting to me lately.

Then I remember I haven’t had a shower in 3 days. The smell is me. (So embarrassing!)

Weekends are nice, but I want to do more with them, but also less because I am so tired and need down time.

Shit, the dogs! The cats! They need to see the vet. I need to refill their preventatives. Am I spending enough time with them? Or are they just hostages here?

How do we navigate this terrain??

I know this is not a new territory at all, and mothers have been kicking ass and taking names long before me.

Maybe it’s just me that can’t figure it out.

Maybe I’m in the wrong profession, but I can’t afford to quit my job and go back to school. And I certainly don’t have the time in between work and mommyhood.

My days are flashing before my eyes. Time has never moved so fast in my entire life. I don’t want to miss these days. I don’t want to miss the smallness of my child, he is already growing up so quickly.

Maybe it will get better in time.

Maybe I will get better in time.

Ps… I want to thank my husband who is one of my biggest supporters. I don’t want to ever diminish or minimize the work and effort he puts into supporting me and helping me. I would not have made it to today without him busting his ass. Thank you X 1,000,000.

Pps… thank you to all of the moms before me, and around me, for busting your ass creating something great when nobody could see. It’s a thankless job and you are a saint.

Wrong Eyes

I took your eyes to see myself as you see.
I depended no longer on the uncertainty from those which I was born with.
I felt beautiful and loved.
But what am I supposed to see now that I know it was she you were looking at?

How could she become me?

An Open Letter to Fellow Empaths

You’re an empath and you’ve made it here. Welcome! If you’re feeling a bit defeated, I am too. Maybe I can help us both.

Definition of Empathy

“What happens is what you allow” provides an illusion of control to those who either A. Desparetly want it or B. Have no true concept of what it means to be in the real world.

In all actuality, what you allow is what will continue.

Look, I’m not going to explain to you that for every rule there is an exception. You’re an adult, you already know this to be true.

The fact is, every single person you care about will hurt you in some way at some time. I can’t tell you why. There are multiples of possibilities.

I can tell you to remember and embrace the below statements.

Not everything deserves a response. Sometimes being quiet is the best answer.
Empathy, at the very least sympathy, will determine your ability to connect to this world, and your maturity.
Remember you can never un-ring a bell. Words cannot be unspoken. So never hit below the belt because in the end it will hurt you more than you them. (If you care about this person).
If you wouldn’t say it to a friend or your mother, do not say it to yourself.
It can take only 15 seconds to destroy a 15 year relationship. Do not speak rashly, be slow to anger.
You are going to blister before your skin toughens and thickens up, it’s ok.
Know your boundaries. Respect others’.
Don’t try to change anyone but yourself.
Do not compare yourself to another. Our journeys are as unique as our fingerprints.
Always aim to be informed instead of opinionated.
The only thing you have power over is yourself, your thinking, your future. It is never too late to be who you want to be.
If you explain your anger rather than express it, you will find solutions instead of arguments.
When you throw dirt, you lose ground.
Always try to treat the world kinder than it treated you.
Remember the past is a place of reference, not a place of residence.
Being an empath will drain you! Find something that will feed your soul and stroke the flames of your passion and you will never go empty again.
Trust yourself. Sensitivity is your strength. While the mind is in the dark working through facts, the heart already saw the problem. It’s just waiting for you to accept it.
Do not expect others to have the same heart, work ethic, or humanity as you. It will break your heart.
It’s ok to cut a toxic person out of your life. Does not mean that this will be painless. You just have to make a decision. You can either be a light house or a life preserver. One is rooted on the rock of the earth, the other is used and bobs under water frequently.
Say no and mean it. Confidence is the currency of the adult world. Don’t let your empathy be your reason for being a welcome mat.
Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Forgive whenever you can.
Life is shorter than you realize. It speeds up the older you get, and goes even faster when you’re enjoying it. Be precise and pointed in your interactions. Say I love you often.
In the end you will regret time not spent, experiences missed.. You wont regret that silly last minute email or text message. Get off your phone.
Remember we are all humans. We fail. Hopefully we learn.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Remember, to have what you’ve never had, you must do what you’ve never done.
Every day of your life you must seek your true inner self. If you do not figure out who you are or accept it, you will attract your worst attributes.
Make a few goals: one for tomorrow, one in a year, and one in 5 years. Strive for these goals. They will keep you on track and root you.
Ask yourself if this is a 5 minute problem or a 5 year problem. If it won’t matter in 5 years, let it go.
People often fail to realize that they are projecting their inner issues into the world. Random strikes of hurtfulness will come and go. Understand that these people need kindness the most.
If nothing else… Remember this. It’s just a bad day, not a bad life.

People who do not share our ability to empathize will not understand us. We are called empaths for a reason. It is a gift and it is a curse. If it starts feeling too much like a curse, you are focusing on the negative emotions too much and not bringing positivity to others or yourself enough.

Please remember that people cannot take anything from you, emotionally, that you do not allow. You can take back your control, your happiness, your power at anytime. You have to believe that.

You have an amazing gift that takes time to understand. Give yourself some grace.

Fear of forsaken forevers

Unless you’ve heard that door slam and the emptiness that follows, you’ll never understand. You’ll never understand the fear.

But I promise to love you every day, in every way.

Yes, the terrors of abandonment, forsaken forevers, wake me up at night.

Maybe I’ll always fear.

Maybe that’s not so bad, really.

I’ll always savor you like the rarity you are. The once in a lifetime person you are.

The way your chest rises and falls when you sleep. How your eyes sparkle when you speak. How your eyes crinkle, your dimples show when you laugh. How my soul makes sense and I feel at home in your laughter, amidst the chaos.

The way your calloused hands caress my face, as soft as a whisper.

The way you hold me when my world is falling apart.

Yes, maybe one day I will fail you. Maybe some apocalyptic hellish nightmare of a day that door would slam and only silence will follow suit with the empty.

But maybe, just maybe, I will acknowledge my fears. Instead of drowning me, drowning our love, they will shine light into the darkness of the unknown.

No matter what, I will always thank you, I will always cherish you, I will always choose you. I will always love you. YOU you, the real you. The messy you. The you that was broken, too, when you chose to let me in. The one who shares fears, too.

I will thank you for every normal, boring day. And I will always be thankful for the irrational anger that is greeted with an exasperated eye roll and nothing more.

And I will always thank you for every time you walked me back off a ledge. For every time you brought me back home from far away worlds. Every hypothetical “what if” you talk me through, every heartbreak you hold me through. Every time you tell me I am more than enough. Every time you fight my demons off when I am too tired to do so. Every time you love me, when I do not love myself.

And every time I open my eyes, I will love you. I will choose you.

I promise.