Unless you’ve heard that door slam and the emptiness that follows, you’ll never understand. You’ll never understand the fear.
Yes, the terrors of abandonment, forsaken forevers, wake me up at night.
Maybe I’ll always fear.
Maybe that’s not so bad, really.
I’ll always savor you like the rarity you are. The once in a lifetime person you are.
The way your chest rises and falls when you sleep. How your eyes sparkle when you speak. How your eyes crinkle, your dimples show when you laugh. How my soul makes sense and I feel at home in your laughter, amidst the chaos.
The way your calloused hands caress my face, as soft as a whisper.
The way you hold me when my world is falling apart.
Yes, maybe one day I will fail you. Maybe some apocalyptic hellish nightmare of a day that door would slam and only silence will follow suit with the empty.
But maybe, just maybe, I will acknowledge my fears. Instead of drowning me, drowning our love, they will shine light into the darkness of the unknown.
No matter what, I will always thank you, I will always cherish you, I will always choose you. I will always love you. YOU you, the real you. The messy you. The you that was broken, too, when you chose to let me in. The one who shares fears, too.
I will thank you for every normal, boring day. And I will always be thankful for the irrational anger that is greeted with an exasperated eye roll and nothing more.
And I will always thank you for every time you walked me back off a ledge. For every time you brought me back home from far away worlds. Every hypothetical “what if” you talk me through, every heartbreak you hold me through. Every time you tell me I am more than enough. Every time you fight my demons off when I am too tired to do so. Every time you love me, when I do not love myself.
And every time I open my eyes, I will love you. I will choose you.