Finding healthy middle ground as a working mom. Within a year. (A rant)

It’s a lot harder than I could have ever imagined.

I get angry thinking about having to go back to work 6-8 weeks after having a baby (8 weeks if you have a MAJOR surgery like a C-Section). 6 to 8 weeks to bond with my new child. 6-8 weeks to establish a breast feeding routine. 6-8 weeks to introduce everyone in my life to my baby. But not too close because GERMS! (Do we even want to bring up postpartum depression or anxiety? PPA almost killed me) 6-8 weeks to heal from the trauma my body endured during child birth, 6-8 weeks for painful, chapped nipples to heal. 6-8 weeks to jump back into the workforce like nothing happened. But something monumental happened.

I feel guilty when I have to take a PDO day when my child is sick and my work team has to carry my load.

I feel guilty when I go pump 2-3X a day to maintain my supply. It interferes with my workflow and rhythm, or I have too much I need to get done today.. So I drop down to 1-2X a day and watch my supply bottom out more times than not.

I feel guilty for PTO, parent teacher conferences, having to stop by the daycare every 4 hours to pump my baby full of Tylenol so that fever doesn’t breach 100°F and inevitably causes him to be sent home. If we get sent home, how in the world will I ever catch up?

I feel guilty that my quality standards at work have to be modified to fit this new life. I had to learn a whole new job a few months after I came back from leave. I want to do well, but I am not the person I was when I left. And this job includes over time and on call that my last job did not. Do you understand the fear of being on a call at 8 pm that requires interaction and total engagement when that is bed time and you are the boob??

I couldn’t take the medications I need to concentrate at work, my work quality was at an all time low… was I going to lose my job because I have to choose between breastfeeding and taking medication for my ADHD, anxiety, or depression?

I have to find a middle ground, but I can’t take choosing my job over my child.

Life would have been so different if America had followed Canada, Norway, Denmark, honestly the list goes on and on for these other countries who seem to actually accept and care for their mothers and children.

I want to be a badass employee. I want to make our company’s name shine and shimmer with greatness.

I want to be a badass mom who isn’t empty at the end of every day from stretching too thin.

I want to be mentally healthy and have time to see a therapist!!!!! But at this point in my life, I’m doing good to get in and see a dentist.

I want to have and interact in my friendships outside of the workplace. But I spend most of my time in the 4 walls of my cubicle. When I’m out, I have 2.5 hours after 5:30 pm to pick up from daycare, get home (30 min drive), dinner??, bath, bedtime, get bottles ready for tomorrow, maybe sneak in a kiss to my husband.

The guilt I feel about being a bad wife and a bad friend… those have been getting to me lately.

Then I remember I haven’t had a shower in 3 days. The smell is me. (So embarrassing!)

Weekends are nice, but I want to do more with them, but also less because I am so tired and need down time.

Shit, the dogs! The cats! They need to see the vet. I need to refill their preventatives. Am I spending enough time with them? Or are they just hostages here?

How do we navigate this terrain??

I know this is not a new territory at all, and mothers have been kicking ass and taking names long before me.

Maybe it’s just me that can’t figure it out.

Maybe I’m in the wrong profession, but I can’t afford to quit my job and go back to school. And I certainly don’t have the time in between work and mommyhood.

My days are flashing before my eyes. Time has never moved so fast in my entire life. I don’t want to miss these days. I don’t want to miss the smallness of my child, he is already growing up so quickly.

Maybe it will get better in time.

Maybe I will get better in time.

Ps… I want to thank my husband who is one of my biggest supporters. I don’t want to ever diminish or minimize the work and effort he puts into supporting me and helping me. I would not have made it to today without him busting his ass. Thank you X 1,000,000.

Pps… thank you to all of the moms before me, and around me, for busting your ass creating something great when nobody could see. It’s a thankless job and you are a saint.

The many faces of Me

I get so caught up in “Who am I” when people look at me

Am I kind or too harsh

Am I a bully or the protector

Big heart or narrow view

Helpful or harmful

Immature or mature

Stupid or smart

It took today to realize I am all of these things.

I am all of these things collectively, simultaneously.

People see me in their own view, dependent upon where they are and how each of us understood it. The old saying of perception is reality.

Yeah it too a long time to get to the me I am today.

I look back and identify the racism, the ignorance, immaturity…. and the growth.

I have grown up and away from the old me.

And I still have so much to do in the Garden of Me. I recognize growing pains for what they are when they make me uncomfortable. I recognize and cherish my roots, and I have to rip out the weeds at their roots. Things I use to think were true and I acknowledge the pain they’ve cause.

If you knew me in one of my many Faces that were immature or hurtful, I am so sorry. Please reach out to me so I can grow if you need to talk about it. I’m still learning and growing. “Gardening”.

I’m trying. And that’s what matters.

What we don’t talk about to first time mama’s

Well now that I have announced the big news to my family I can finally share it with you fine people!!

I’m going to be a mama! Due January 9th (ish)!

But I want to talk to you first time parents about the things I feel like weren’t brought to my attention until after they happened.

I have always felt like the more knowledge you have the more prepared you are for the things you may have to deal with.

We have all heard that pregnancy hormones are a thing. If you haven’t well let me in on a little secret- it’s intense.

Not all women will go through it like I have, but every article and book I’ve read has told me it will be like PMS. and it has been SO much more than PMS. It is far more comparable to adolescent changes than it is to my PMS.

For example, someone accused me of taking a DVD that I did not take (yes… a DVD) and it broke my heart. I cried for an hour. Then I got over it and then I cried some more. I was convinced that person did not love me.

As I stated it is intense.

With this in mind I felt so much guilt. Guilt for not being happy all the time. I mean I had prayed for this miracle for over a year and I had finally finally finally been gifted with this bundle of joy growing inside of me… how dare I feel anything except gratitude?

And mama/Papa I promise there are good feelings that come with this package deal! There is so much wonder, gratitude, humbleness, pride, and excitement. And fear but like good fear. It’s hard to put into words.

Mama, I want you to know that you will fear the days you don’t have morning sickness or sensitivity (is the baby ok? Is something wrong? Will there still be a heartbeat?) this is normal. I had a hard time finding this in any books but I promise you aren’t going crazy. Well maybe just a little bit, but no more than necessary. Only 7/10 women experience “morning” sickness. Even less experience it to the extent I have and even less experience it to the extent I’ve read other women have. It’s ok though.. it’s ok if you throw up thinking about food and it’s ok if you never get sick. Talk to your OB.

On that note- don’t take it personally if your OB doesn’t know a lick about mental health issues. Seriously, mine is a WONDERFUL OB and when I asked what to do if I experience anxiety attacks and deep depression, the man told me to lower my standards and remember I can’t do as much as I could when I wasn’t pregnant. Great advice for those who don’t have mental health issues, but for the rest of us I would suggest keeping your therapist and psychiatrist appointments. While there isn’t much they can give you on the medicine side, they CAN still help you.

Mama if you feel suicidal I beg you to talk about it with your doctor(s). Don’t judge yourself for it because all you are doing is beating that dead horse. You are going to take things personal. You are going to know your feelings aren’t logical and that won’t do a damn thing to stop them. You will feel rage… yes rage. And that’s ok. As long as you keep an open line of communication with the people who are around you, you will be ok.

And there are going to be people who will put their blinders on and will act rather selfishly towards you. They will not take your emotional state into consideration. They will say the absolute wrong things at the absolute wrong time. They will hurt your feelings, break your heart. And you will cry. You are going to cry a lot so get use to that.

Men/Papa- I have no advice for you except guard your words like you would your life in a hostage situation. She will be looking for victims. Don’t be one. And if you do fall prey to the mama emotions- never fear, it will pass in 15-60 minutes. And she will not know why she was so emotional (unless you really hurt her, because I promise she will not forget).

You two can either let this make you better or let it make you bitter.

Just remember that whatever your case, it is you (or you two) against the problem- not against each other.

Let this roller coaster bring the two of you together, and try to remember to enjoy the ride.

Much love & be kind always ❤️ -Chelsee

An Open Letter to My Younger Self

Maybe I’m all up in my feelings but I just want to say something for the younger girls out there struggling.

Struggling with identity, struggling with faith and strength, feeling defeated and used. Wanting (and maybe even planning) to give up.

I was you. I was you a million times over. And it’s hard. God I know it’s hard. This world will shatter you a thousand times before your feet even hit the floor in the morning. It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. It will wear you down and wear you out. It will break you. You will question who you are 1 trillion times before you hit 20 years old. You’ll look in the mirror and not recognize who is looking back at you.

All the while you are just putting one foot in front of the other.

Listen here beautiful- I’m so dang proud of you. I’m so proud of you! You woke up and fought the demons that wore you out the night before. You woke up and DECIDED to truck on when all you saw was bleak and grey. You decided to continue on when it would have been so much easier to just—stop being.

I’m so glad you are here on this earth today.

Because one day, if you keep fighting- and I do mean FIGHTING tooth and fucking nail fighting you will make it. You will wake up one day and you will have everything you prayed for. (Ok sure I’m not a millionaire but BOY AM I RICH!) I wake up to a man that loves me- and I mean the kind of love you gave up on when you were about 14-17 because yeah boys are stupid. This man is a God fearing man that would jump in front of a bullet to save my life- this I know without question. And I’d be pissed at him for doing it because that would mean he was quicker than me and I didn’t get to save HIM.

This man will choose you day after day and will love you when you can’t even love yourself. And will be your friend when you can’t even be friendly to yourself. Then this man will become a father and you will see that hope in his eye and you will share this unexplainable feeling of terror and excitement and love for the life growing within you (or someone else- adopting, surrogacy, whatever). Life will change and you will realize you made it.

And you realize this whole new chapter is coming and it’s going to push you further than you’ve ever been pushed and further than you can even grasp. And you will smile because you know that if you made it through the first part of your life (rather alone) you can absolutely break the barriers on this next chapter. Don’t you dare settle. Stop judging yourself for how you had to survive. You are so beautifully and uniquely made. You will make it gorgeous… you gotta know that.

Much love- Chelsee

If I could go Back

If I could go back in time..

I’ve been thinking about all the mistakes I’ve made and all the ones I’m going to make.

And there is one thing that has become blatantly obvious: it’s the small things.

I would change only small things-

Listen to your mom for the love of everything HOLY! She’s the only one who has your back.
Stop fighting with your sister. She is also one of the 3 people who truly has your best interests in mind.
Hold on to that knowledge of coding from making your MySpace page fly. You can literally make bank knowing this stuff at a young age.
Don’t start smoking. (No, seriously. Don’t. )
Enjoy your summers, after high school they are gone and you will realize how magical they really were.
You don’t have to kill yourself at work at 16 yrs old. It’s ok to borrow money from Mom.
Stop taking life so dang seriously
Not one drop of your self worth is dependent upon someone else!!
And finally- say yes ma’am/sir and I love you and I’m sorry. These things are important

Notice how I haven’t listed a single life changing event? I realized that I needed those to become who I am. Even though many of them were ugly, heart breaking, soul shattering events. I wouldn’t change any of them. Not one.

I’m proud of who I have become. And I firmly believe you have to be knocked on your ass to appreciate the dirt under your nails and the shiny thing(s) you accomplished.

It took those rock bottoms to truly accept that God is my rock at the bottom. And it took those rock bottoms to mold me into the hurricane of a woman I am today.

I regret none of them.

You shouldn’t either.

Love to you all!! Be kind always! – Chelsee

It’s time for your medicine

It’s morning. Take your pills.

Go to work and give it your all. We mean your all as in the all we expect to work tried and true. The all we need to make the numbers work.

It’s evening. Take your pills.

It’s always time for your medicine.

What happens when you don’t take your medicine? Well your body is going to scream either way- it wasn’t made to rely on little white pills… Your mind though, your mind will deceive you.

Does it really deceive me? Well perception is reality. And right now I believe that I am failing.

I’m not failing, because I have the right medication.

I’m failing. I’m not failing. We are doomed. There is hope.

When things get really bad, I always forget that it’s time for my medicine

“The doctors give the pills but the pills don’t have the will to take the pain outta the brain, they just make the brain insane.”

I have a love hate relationship with my need for medication.

I hate that I need it. But I love myself for accepting that I need it.

It’s ok to not be ok. And it’s ok to be ok.

Why don’t we talk about these things as they come? Why do we have such high standards for ourselves? We give so much more grace to those around us!

We aren’t even friends to ourselves. Because if I was my friend, I’d tell myself to stop dicking around and take my damn medicine like I know I need to. I’d say Chelsee, you are having a panic attack, and that’s ok. But take this medicine to dampen it. You’ll be able to breathe. And I’d trust me and listen to me.

It’s ok to need something, and it’s ok that it takes a while to find the right concoction. But take care of yourself. And listen to the still, quiet voice within you that does not scream profanities.. it feeds you words of strength, healing, and grace.

Tell those bad thoughts to go straight back to hell from which they came.

And to my readers- thank you for sticking through the up and downs. And thank you for the words of positivity that is often the lighthouse in my stormy sea. Much love to you all. You are not alone.

On Feeling Lost

I have been so overwhelmed. This week alone has felt like it’s own month. I have been working so hard, but I don’t feel like I’ve achieved or accomplished anything. I feel like I’m wandering around.

I realize that I’ve reached goals, and now I’m out of important goals. Out of the things I can change. I hate feeling like my fate is in someone else’s hands.

I hate feeling so lost and confused. I hate this dark abyss. I feel like I’m just treading water. Pleading with myself. Don’t give up, you’ll drown! But you get tired trying to stay afloat, trying to not sink.

I’m bloody lost and tired.

Open Thoughts-The Variable of Communication

People rarely acknowledge just how thin of ice we walk on every day.

I don’t think it was always this way. I can’t say that I know, though. But I can say that others may not have spoken so harshly and brashly before- I feel we, as a society, have lost touch with the art of communication.

As a Christian I know that I will always walk a thin line, on thin ice, when it comes to self expression. Mainly because I have to stop and ask myself if these words will show God’s light. It’s not easy. Many say it isn’t fair. But it is life. Because if I speak out of anger, or just speak with no thought on what my words may mean to someone else- I can cause them pain. I also have to take into consideration what others are going through before I take their words to heart.

Now, it can be argued that this is what it takes to be a decent human being, not just a Christian. I won’t argue with that. I’m simply telling you how I got to this plane of thinking- this thought process.

I will challenge anyone who stumbles upon this post to think before allowing words to simply flow from their mouth (or hands in today’s age). I know we’ve heard this a million times before “think before you speak”.. but I don’t think enough time is granted for that voyage.

Let me add- I’m no saint. I speak quickly and can be just as quick to anger. This is just as much for me as it is for anyone else.

I recently encountered a situation where someone who was “trying to help” sends me a link that discusses and compares depression to self pity. In this post there were bible verses during and at the end. Don’t get me wrong- the Lord discusses mourning, anger, pain, all emotions really, in the Bible. But I do not appreciate a link being thrown my way when there was no time spent on the actual thought process. The act was meant to be helpful and encouraging. But unfortunately, I was offended because I am diagnosed with clinical depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I am not pitying myself. I do not choose this for myself. I actively have to work every moment to see things in a different light.

I could have lashed out (am I lashing out right now..?) and told this person all of this. But I chose not to respond for two reasons: 1. Unless you have it- or love someone who has it, you won’t understand; and 2. What is this person going through? A LOT. This persons world has been turned upside down and everything they knew to be true turned out to be a lie.

I learned that when you are going through what reason 2 is going through- there isn’t much reason coming and going. It’s simply survival and a desperate plea for any emotion that isn’t pain. “The best way to help yourself is to help others” and OF COURSE there is a clause or footnote on this. The person was trying to be helpful and unintentionally offended me. I’ll survive LOL.

Look, I can’t actually tell what the art to communication is. Because it is different for each person you encounter. The current state of said person is the variable. Culture… People are the variable. Your own state of mind is the variable. BUT I truly believe if we stopped and thought about the impact of our words, at least attempted to educate ourselves on these variables, then two things will happen 1. Thoughtful communication will occur and 2. A lot less will be said. (Sometimes it isn’t worth it- the effort, the most likely outcomes, etc.) And of course there are times we can work through every word of our sentence, every variable we know of and still offend someone. It’s ok to offend someone, it’s going to happen. It is a constant of life, a staple. What I hope happens after that though, is constructive communication.

I’m no activist for saying less. I’m an activist for saying less that means more. Or write a book that means everything. Just think out what you have to say before you say it. Regret leaves a nasty taste in the mouth. You can’t unring a bell. And unfortunately what may take 5 seconds to say, can take 5 years to repair.

Words are free… it’s how you use them that may cost you.